It's been a while since fall break.
Before I ramble on I should maybe try to introduce what I'm going to type about in this blog...
I'm pretty sure all of my posts up till now have been about all of the exciting aspects of college. (Plus a couple downers - like parking tickets...) but I don't think I've ever really gotten into the shit that goes on in college.
This isn't a ranting... well... actually it could turn into one. (Who doesn't enjoy a rant or two every now and then?)
Since fall break (in fact since the very first day of break at 3pm...) I've been relishing in the typical college scene. You may interpret that however you'd like, because I'd rather not get too extremely explicit. I've been relishing in this spirit almost every single weekend since that Wednesday. And I'll admit I've had a fucking blast. I've made a lot of friends and some fond memories.
As much as I like going out and having fun though I've realized that these weekends of fun haven't really set me any farther towards my ultimate... goal? Actually I'm not going to use the word goal because that seems really douchey to me lol. Anyways... I'm not saying I'd like to rewind the times I've had and change anything (isn't there a 'no regrets' saying thats applicable somewhere??) but this experience in college is one of the easiest and hardest for me to understand.
In high school I never really partied that hard. In fact I only started really getting into it Christmas break my senior year (late bloomer I know...) I've always been the one who liked being in control because that's my comfort zone. End of story. (Designated Driver right here) I still don't like feeling out of control (especially with body movements... although it is funny as hell) and I also don't like feeling like people have control over me. Just a few facts.
So now that I have some actual wild weekends under my belt I'm beginning to sink into my 'analytical' faze. I've just been contemplating it... and I haven't come to any conclusions either so who knows if this moment of clarity will really change anything...
The one thing I miss the most about living with just my mother is being sure of myself.
I live in a house with 50 girls. I love the situation and the people I live with, but there are moments when I just want to scream. I've never been good with big groups of girls especially because I know (and I've been guilty a few times) that girls spread gossip. Most of the times its completely harmless!! But, living here has made me doubt my actions that I would have never doubted before living in Tongie. I almost constantly worry about how some of the girls will react if something about me were to 'leak' and that isn't right. I shouldn't give two shits and I promise I never did in high school, because I knew the choices I made were my own and right for me.
Especially after my last couple of weekends I've been worried about their thoughts...
Which brings me back to why I've been contemplating going out on the weekends.
I don't know. This is mostly just rambling and I take responsibility for my actions but me doubting myself recently has been a very odd experience...
So that's the downers of college for me. That and the cost of tuition... (:
Hopefully I'll come to a happy medium with my situation and it'll turn out all right. But for the meantime I'll just go with the flow and hope my actions haven't offended anyone too badly.
No comments:
Post a Comment